the deeper inside I go
in my belly that aches and changes
the more colours I see.

there is a rhythm,
and a pulse
in me and in the concrete

the deeper I sink
inside my own
slowing heart beat

the softer the separation
between me and it.

--

--

I lost my dad a hundred times before
I found him again
in the ever-presence of little birds
that followed me in the spring
of lockdown 2020.

I lost my dad in stages to
the vicissitudes of blue moods
and withdrawal from a world
as meaningless as space
when viewed from the window of
a grey little one bedroom flat.

I lost my dad to inconvenience
to jealousy, relationships
to disappointments, grudges, silences
and stubbornness
and disinterest

And then finally to brain disease
to self, body, mind detaching
to neural networks dissolving
to a frontal lobe shrinking
to the space that started filling up
all that once was matter.

I lost my dad a hundred times before
I found him again
like lay-lines spread out all around me
at the corners of my vision
like a twinkle of something-nothing
elusive but
there.

--

--

When I am alone
I light a candle in the mornings
to send a message to
the part of my heart
that is made of dust and clouds
that is a closed eye that is
Unwilling to stop dreaming.
Each small flame is
another word in
old language
coming back to me
of rock, water, breath
that speaks in only truth and emotion
and assures the right and left brain
they are One.

--

--

The saddest thing I have ever seen
Is also the most beautiful
And it was the shape of your back as you ate
your tray dinner
gazing at the tv in a hospital room
After behind closed doors the staff had talked to me
About the deteriorations we were going to see
And yet we were somehow giddy
And couldn’t stop laughing
At the bizarreness of it all
Like a balloon had been burst
That makes you wince with the sound
But leaves you with a rush of air.

--

--

The Mystery is lilac and velvet
lurching through the cosmos
the only Known
that will never be unravelled.

And I am a flash of arrogance
that used to believe the sea couldn’t drown me
And death would be my conscious choice
To lay down in a field and take my peaceful leave.

--

--

River Meets Sea

River Meets Sea

Free interactive ebook: Emotions, Energy & the Body. Realign your energy body, Arrive in your physical body. | Subscribe at www.river-meets-sea.co.uk |